"cigarettes have been my punctuation in life, the periods, commas, hyphens and exclamation points (especially after sex) by which i divided and organized my day. without them i felt like one endless run-on sentence; a formless, structureless bundle of anguish, always off balance, like a person forced to go weeks without looking at a clock. ... what on earth to do with my hands, hour after hour, day after day, week after week?"

~ jonathan hull, losing julia

i told you i'd quote and requote it redundantly for years to come... i just didn't know it would be again so soon.

i'm still not entirely smoke free... but im getting there. kinda. and then not so much so. and then getting there again... and feeling like that run-on sentence, angry with myself for not being able to think straight or function when my head's in a muddle from lack of nicotine... finally breaking and bumming one, high as a kite and head spinning like im fourteen again, and then at last, a good 20 minutes later as the nicotine courses through my system, normalizing, being able to think again. clear fresh air from the smoke. outside observers said the effect was visibly noticeable. i'm living off a couple a day now... sometimes sadistically making myself go as long as possible, sometimes like an indulgent grandmother who immediately gives away the sweets without the least bit of a fight.